Public Dumping

You may be wondering if I'm going to be taking a stand on the display of littering (dumping) within our cities by the title of this post but you would be completely wrong in making that assumption.  I used the word dumping in place of pooping because quite frankly, it sounds nicer.

I should probably just start off by apologizing to my mother for the vulgarity or indecency I'm about to discuss.  I know I didn't make her that proud from my last two posts about child birth and the language I used.  She did indeed raise me better than to talk in such a manner but I found that writing in that style (satire inspired) helped portray my topic in the light that I wanted it and hopefully I didn't offend too many people in doing so.  Honestly, I don't think many folks thought it to be too terrible considering that those two posts are the second & third most viewed/read posts I've written.  It offered an entertaining and humorous approach to a topic that I do feel far too many people/WOMEN don't know the absolute truth about or haven't experienced it firsthand.

And now moving onto the heart of this topic...poop.  Public pooping to be precise.  I will admit that I get stage fright when it comes to going number two in public.  There are different public venues that are better than others.  For example: If I am at an amusement park, I will not have any issues with taking a deuce.  Chances are I will never run into those people again and if they find what I just did in an already disgusting bathroom stall gross, then that is their problem.  If you have to go, you have to go.  What makes this situation totally acceptable for me is the fact that I do not personally know the numerous of other thrill seekers that are there.  Plus, there are like 15 or more stalls that contribute to lots of continuous noise from flushing, people washing their hands & blow dryers that can cover up any accidentally squeakage that may happen while you are exporting some fudge to Mexico.

Taking deuces gets to be problematic when I'm in a public setting such as the workplace.  I have to see those people face to face 5 days a week and the last thing I want is to encounter a weird and awkward situation because I just destroyed a toilet and either A.) someone is in the bathroom and hears/smells it or B.) all the stalls fill up and the next person in line has to go to the stall you just occupied.  Despite what some men might think, I do NOT crap rainbows, butterflies & sunshine; although, that would be pretty frickin' awesome.  I have found a couple of ways to avoid these encounters from happening.  Let me share. 

1 | Time it just right.  I have gotten to the point where I have been able to get my digestive system on a schedule and can hold her in till I get home from work.  This works out most days but if I've consumed food such as tacos the night before, I'm screwed.  I also get myself into a predicament if I work late. By the time I pull in my driveway, I am bolting through the house door with my pants unbuttoned and screaming, "Oh please dear God just 10 more feet!"  This has never ended badly for me yet but I can see the day that I am going to have to either do a load of laundry or throw away some clothes.  Either way...not good.

2 | Play the waiting game.  I know you have all experienced a time that you go in, sit down and realize someone else in there too and you just sit in silence and wait.  You are hoping the other person will leave.  Doesn't it seem like the other person has the same exact idea as you?!?!  There you are, just sitting with your pants down and dueling it out with another person who has to poop too but is also embarrassed about having someone else hear them doing it.  Do you fire away or call it a draw?  Most times I call it even and get the hell outta there before that person dashes too and we run into each other.

3 | Drive by / scope it out.   If I know that I absolutely cannot hold it, I will do a drive by to scope out the bathroom.  We have lights that are on timers so I know that if the entryway is dark, I got a green light to launch a shuttle into the white hole.  If the light it on, I will proceed to go in, sit down and look under the stalls for feet.  If there are feet...no dice; I'm gone.  If there are no feet visible, Houston we are ready for launch!

While I am on the topic of poop I might as well address another area of concern.  Am I the only person that knows of unspoken common courteously rules that apply to public pooing?  Seriously folks.  If you have done something that requires a second flush, DO IT!  I do not want to head to the bathroom and walk in to see that you left brown swirl marks all over...gross.  Also, if there is an air freshener available, USE IT!  It doesn't completely take away the stank but it at least tames it down a smidge. 

Hopefully I haven't completed grossed anyone out but we all have to deal with it day in and day out.  Why not find a bit of humor in it? 

Well, that about wraps it up for me tonight.

xo

bj

Child Birth Part Deuce : The Shit I Forgot

Here it is...part deuce, the sequel, encore if you will to my original post about child birth!  After I published my post last night, I started to think of more things that I forgot!  I also got help from a couple of lovely ladies who shared with me a thing or two that they experienced.  I hope you all enjoy this one as much as the first one.

1 | Let's just start off with the entire reason I had to do a second post...memory loss.  I became extremely forgetful during my pregnancy and it didn't get much better after I gave birth either.  I like to think of it like this: I gave 1/2 of my brain to my child.  Actually, I'm going to restate that...the lil' shit stole it!  It is unbelievable how bad my memory has gotten.

2 | Some women have long strenuous labors.  We are talking hours of active labor people...continuous pushing & breathing.  Ouch.  I am exhausted thinking about it.  I was lucky and had a pretty standard text book delivery that went quick but I've had some girlfriends go through hell and back with theirs!  One lady shared with me the fact that she pushed so hard that she burst blood vessels in both eyes and it looked really creepy for 3 weeks.  Seriously, someone give those women an Olympic medal or something.

3 | By all means ladies, when the doctor asks you if you'd like to place a mirror at the foot of your bed so you can watch, you say NO!  I did not use one and I can't imagine what it would have been like if I did.  I honestly didn't need to see the miracle of birth when it was happening.  I have daily reminders from the marks it left on my body so I'm good.  I would think the mirror would either A.) Scare the shit out of you or B.) nope there is no b, it would scare the shit out of me!

4 | If you were in the delivery room with me and heard the noises I made while I pushed, you would have thought you were at Sea World because I sounded like a frickin' dolphin.  I shit you not, ask my sister.  I am slightly embarrassed by this but I was pushing so damn hard that the air that escaped while I pushed came out sounding like a marine mammal.  I can make the sound perfectly to this day so if you run into me, ask me to make it so you can truly appreciate the goofiness of it!

5 | To take the epidural or not - this is totally a personal preference.  I went into it thinking that if I could handle the pain, then I would go for an all natural & pain medicine free delivery.  Um, I guess I gave myself more credit than I should have because I screamed for the epidural like a crack whore who needed her fix.  I got to 5 centimeters (1/2 fully dilated) and begged to get the anesthesiologist stat!  I decided I didn't need to be anyone's hero that day and we live in the age of modern medicine so I am not ashamed to say I took the drugs.  Anyone that wants to judge me can but then I'm going to beat the shit out of their uterus and vagina and see if they want something to make them feel better.  Yes, I pussed out but I'm OK with it.

6 | You will be a little overwhelmed by the number of people that are actually in the delivery room.  If you think you are going to have a nice little intimate delivery, you are mistaken.  As I recall, there was a total of 4 different nurses & 2 doctors that were coming in and out of my room while I was spread eagle for everyone to see my stuff.  I felt like I should have at least gotten paid for the admittance into my room so I could have made a little money off of me showing it all.  Oh well.

7 | Take all the helping hands you can get.  This is especially useful when you & baby are trying to learn how to breastfeed.  I felt like I didn't have enough hands to do it all!  The nurses are wonderful with this.  I was a bit taken back in the beginning when nurses that I didn't know at all would just whole handily grab my boob and position it for Cruz to latch onto.  You get over having strangers grab your boobs to help you with breastfeeding.  You actually will miss it when you get home!  Like I said in my first post, breastfeeding can be very difficult for some woman.  My mother stayed with me for the first few days home and I got to the point where I asked her to help me.  I cried a lot over breastfeeding.  I wasn't happy, Cruz wasn't happy so I eventually switched to pumping and we got the best of both worlds!

8 | You will have never loved a water bottle more than after you give birth!  If you stretch, tear or rip you will experience stinging & burning unlike ever before!  Seriously, you will probably cry the first couple of times you have to pee.  You might even dread it so badly that you hold your pee to the point of involuntarily peeing your pants and that is just bad all around.  Dousing your vagina with 1/2 gallon of cool water will help calm the stinging & burning while you tinkle.  This will last for the first week or two.  Trust me, it does get better even though you won't feel like it will!  Witch hazel wipes, preparation H & ice are also great assistants in fighting the worse vaginal pain you will ever feel, unless you gave birth naturally & pain medicine free, then it is the 2nd worst giner pain ever.

9 | Let's talk poop.  You are going to want to take extreme care with the first poop you have after baby is born.  This will be like giving birth to a second child.  You can approach it one of two ways.  I compare them to a band-aid removal.  You can A.) do it fast so the pain is strong but over with quickly or B.) take it slowly and cautiously.  Either way...pooping hurts bad!

10 | Taking pictures immediately after you've given birth is a bad idea!  Take as many of the baby as you want but if you get my face in one, I will run after you to break your damn camera because I don't want any evidence existing of how shitty I looked!  I did let my mom & sister take photos of me with Cruz but I absolutely cringe when I see them.  I literally just got finished pushing the equivalent of an 8 lbs. Christmas ham out of my vagina and I look tired, bloated, stressed, fat and just all around a hot mess!  I guess the good thing about having them is it reminds me of how much I NEVER want to look like that ever again.  Yikes.

I find it entertaining how much other people feel their opinion of me having another child is somehow going to help me decide on actually getting pregnant again and having a second one.  I get where family members are coming from...we all love little babies at family functions but for my friends that have not had a child, I would like to tell them to have one themselves and go through all the things I've listed in my first post & this one and then tell me to have another.  I'm sure they may be more apt to bite their tongue after experiencing it firsthand!  Maybe someday a second child will come along...maybe 😉.

xoxo

bj

Child Birth : The Shit They Didn't Tell You

First off I would like to say that if you are a first time pregnant woman, proceed with caution.  Consider this your warning!  You will only have your curiosity to blame for reading this entire post and becoming mortified of what is inevitably laying ahead in your future. 

I want to talk about the shit nurses, doctors, friends, family & those "what to expect when expecting books" didn't tell you about having a baby.  They may have tried to tell you a tiny bit about it but they in no way gave you the God honest truth about child birth and what some women experience!  I would say most things I was told where sugar coated and grossly understated!

I absolutely cannot stand when someone talks about how wonderfully easy & beautiful their pregnancy and/or labor was.  I, by no means had a horrific pregnancy or child birth experience but I was definitely startled by a number of things and thought to myself, "Why the f*** didn't anyone tell me this shit was going to happen!".  Well guess what, you can thank me for telling you or at least trying to prepare you for something you may experience through pregnancy, child birth and afterwards.

1 | You will get stretch marks.  Unless you have insanely amazing genetics, you more than likely will get stretch marks on your boobies, ass, thighs & tummy.  It doesn't matter how much frickin' cocoa butter you rub on yourself, stretch marks will creep up on your body somewhere.  I totally thought I was in the clear and then in the last 3 weeks of my pregnancy, BOOM...stretch marks on boobs & ass.  Great news, I still have them!  For those of you who didn't get them, we are no longer friends.

2 | The first time you go tinkle after giving birth you will more than likely be completely shocked by the amount of blood in the toilet.  Seriously, it looks like you just died.  I thought I was going to need a blood transfusion when I took my first trip to the potty after giving birth to Cruz.  It seriously is not right to bleed that much and still be alive.  Just saying.  The greatest part of this is that you get to see and use the biggest pad ever known to man.  It is like wearing a diaper.  Your newborn and you get to begin your relationship in diapers together, how sweet!

3 |  Your greatest fear after giving birth will be coughing, sneezing, laughing or running.  Why you ask...because if you do any of those things too forcefully, you will pee your pants.  My bladder control sucks ass these days.  Having a baby sitting on top of your bladder for months on end can do a number on it.  I will admit to having gone for a run a couple months after having my little bundle of joy and having pee just run down my leg.  It was gross. 

4 | Your vagina will never be the same.  I'm not implying that you will have a big ole' floppy sloppy joe afterwards but it may not be the pre-delivery one you once had.  I had the wonderful experience of my son coming head first but with his hand on his head.  This obviously made crowning wider than it needed to be; thus, resulting in tearing the shit out of my labia minora.  They stitched it back together but it never healed right and I have what I like to call a mud flap.  Nice visual eh?  The hospital won't fix it because it is purely cosmetic.  Excuse me...cosmetic?  I don't consider it purely cosmetic when I sit down or cross my legs and pinch the shit out of it but hey they are doctors and must be right.  Eff that noise.

5 | Breastfeeding is not easy.  Some mothers and babies will naturally take to breastfeeding but it can be extremely difficult for others.  I was one of the difficult ones.  Cruz didn't take to it well and I got awfully frustrated.  I had it after both of my nipples completely scabbed over and I had chapped boobs.  The breast pump is one of the greatest inventions in my book.  Even with the 2 months of breastfeeding I did, my nipples are like rubber now.  You can flick those suckers and I can't feel a thing.  Bravo to those who hang in there.

6 | Having sex for the first time after you've given birth will probably terrify you even though it can be 6, 8 or more weeks after baby is born.  You will still have the birthing experience pretty fresh in your mind and all you can think about is if you get pregnant again you are gonna kill your husband.  Some women experience extreme pain and discomfort...you should probably seek medical advice in this case.  Either way...it is a bit scary.

7 | DO wear maternity clothes after you give birth.  I look back at some of the clothes I wore 2 weeks after having my son and I think, BIG mistake!  You will still have a jello tummy and be carrying pregnancy weight so it is best to wear your maternity clothes until you truly have dropped the extra pounds.

8 | Some ladies poop themselves during child birth.  I was stunned when I first heard of this but my doctor told me that the majority of women do have a BM during laboring.  BM is a kind way of saying shitting themselves.  WTF...really?!?!  I fortunatuely did NOT crap myself while pushing my son out and I seriously asked my sister like 5 mins. after I had him if I pooped and she smiled and said, no honey...you did not.  Score, 1 for Brittany.  Gross huh?

 9 | When your milk comes in, your boobs are going to get absolutely hard.  Not just a little hard but like rock solid.  It is also going to hurt like hell.  This will happen if you ever miss a feeding too so carry your pump with you everywhere.

10 | Since we are on the note of breasts...wear lactation pads while you sleep.  I cannot begin to tell you the number of shirts & bed sheets I ruined from my boobs leaking milk while I slept.  That shit stains and is hard to get out of fabric.  You should also wear them during the day, duh.

11 | Emotional rollercoaster & sleep deprivation.  Some woman go through post partum depression and this is a very serious condition.  If people around you think you are experiencing too many lows, you probably are and you should listen to them and get help.  Take advantage of the time you are in the hospital and sleep as much as you can.  The nurses are there to help you and you will be better off by letting them.  You've just pushed a frickin' baby out of your body & bled like a civil war solider for christ's sake so yeah, don't feel guilty about getting a little extra sleep!

I hope that you now understand when you ask me if and/or when I'm having my second child my answer is hells to the no.  I'd rather not voluntarily put myself through that shit again anytime soon.

peace

xoxo

bj

         

Photography vs. Hunting

You know, I'm always thinking about photography and how much I love it.  I started to wonder what it is comparable to for a guy.  Well, the more and more I thought about it the more I couldn't help but notice the crazy likeness photography and hunting have!  I am serious folks...I started to scare myself with the similarities I thought of.  Here is a list of things I've compiled that point out their commonalities:

1 | We both shoot things.
2 | We have to wait patiently for the right moment to capture what we want
3 | There is always a lot of time involved in processing after we have shot something
4 | The cost of a kick-ass rifle is equivalent to a pretty decent DSLR body
5 | You can get a new lens for the price of a new tree climber stand
6 | You can carry your gear by a strap
7 | We love being outdoors
8 | The best times to be outside for shooting something are at dusk & dawn
9 | Sometimes the best shot comes from laying on your stomach in wet grass
10 | You walk through water and mud to get to where you want to
11 | Locking in on your target involves lining up your crosshairs
12 | We could fill a room with our equipment
13 | We could spend all day doing it
14 | We both have to search nature for the right conditions and locations
15 | Both experience seasonality (wedding season / deer season)
16 | Having one rifle or DSLR is never enough, seriously...I want more gear!
17 | We feel extremely proud after a successful shoot
18 | Learning to be invisible is a valuable trait
19 | Our walls are filled with our proudest moments hanging on them
20 | It is something we want to teach our children how to do

Crazy huh?!? 

xoxo

bj