My Christmas Wish List

A Christmas post...already?  You are probably thinking, "But it is only October, Brittany!"  I know but it is never too early to start compiling a "if I only had a shit-ton of money and could request materialistic and completely ridiculously frivolous things" list.  Now that is a mouth full.

Some people got it easy and don't ever have to have a wish list because they have exorbitant amounts of money and can just buy whatever the hell they want while the rest of us are stuck here in dreamland.  I don't mind dreamland though, people tend to be nicer there.  Plus, can you imagine getting everything you want?  I think it would take the surprise and appreciation out of getting a gift but that's just me.

Just because I don't have nice things doesn't mean I have bad taste.  It just means that I'm realistic and responsible with the money that I do have.  I believe the correct way to phrase this is: I live within my means.  Surprisingly a lot of people don't get that concept.  Oh well, better them than me.  I don't have credit card debt or loans because of my feeling of wanting things to conform and fit into what society's general consensus thinks I should own or look like.  Maybe that is one of the reasons why America is in the crapper right now with our national debt.  As for my two cents on the presidential election coming up, it doesn't matter who wins because we are still going to be struggling for sometime  Rant ended, for now.  But seriously, I think I'm right.

Enough with the political baloney and sarcastic sentences.  I am here to make requests so that maybe someone will like me enough to buy me some stuff!  Whoop, whoop. 

My Ridiculous Christmas Wish List
(rich people start share your wealth already)

#1: My crème de la crème would be a Nikon D700 body

#2: All the essential lenses & accessories for my new Nikon D700 of course

#3: 2013 Chevy Camaro

#4: Apple iMac desktop computer to do all of my photography editing on

#5: A getaway cabin like this

#6: To be a stay at home mom and do what I love

#7: A closet full of a modern, chic & lush clothes, shoe & accessories

#8: A rustic barn (sounds weird but it is a PERFECT photography backdrop or place to host events)

#9: Smart phone (seriously...I should have one already)

#10: Photography studio

In all seriousness though, I could go my entire life without getting/buying any of those things and be completely happy.  It doesn't matter what you own.  Your happiness comes from things like your family & friends.  So, surround yourself with good people and your happiness should follow.  Then if you do have money, buy shit because that is always fun.

P.S. Sorry Mom for using curse words.  I love you!

peace & love

bj

You Named Your Child What?

When it comes to naming another human being, it can prove to be a difficult task.  I remember being pregnant and reading tons of baby name books, name searching on the Internet & asking friends their opinions.  First lesson learned: never ask family or friends for their opinion because you might not like what they have to say!  I was shocked at how forward people were with their responses to some of the baby names I had picked.  It almost ruins your own opinion of the name and causes you to shy away from it for fear of being ridiculed by everyone around you.  I really wanted a unique or less traditional name for my son.  I don't find anything wrong with common names but for myself, I just felt like I wanted my son to have a name that no other child in his class would have.  It gets confusing when there are 3 kids with the same name in one class room!  After lots of searching and a time span 8 months & 30 days I finally decided on a name for my son.  On April 28th, 2009 I named my first born: Cruz Carter

I love unique names as much as the next person but there is a fine line between unique and down right ridiculous!  Check out this list of names I've come across that people actually named their child.  Some of these will leave you saying, you named your child WHAT?!?!

Seven Sirius
Fifi Trixibelle
Peaches Honeyblossom
Little Pixie
Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily
Moxie CrimeFighter
Poppy Honey
Daisy Boo
Racer Maximilliano
Rebel Antonio
Audio Science
Oranjello and Lemonjello (twin boys)
Peanut Kai
Muffin Zappa
Bluebell Madonna
Jermajesty
Moon Unit
Pilot Inspektor
Sage Moonblood
Memphis Eve
Mayflower
Elleighette
Braxlee
Adorabelle
Providence
Sketch

This is just a short list of a very long one that could be displayed.  May you never find yourself to be one of "those" people whom name their child something absolutely ridiculous!

peace & love

bj

Shit My Kid Says...Part Deuce

I did a post roughly 6 months ago about the shit my kid says and I feel that it is time to do another.  It is amazing how much our children's vocabulary expands in a mere couple of months and their ability to construct full sentences explodes.  I have to chuckle to myself when I hear my son playing in his room.  I am also dumbfounded at some of the things he says directly to me and my husband.  Somethings are funny, some are innocent and some are darn right shocking!  Here is another collection of ridiculously crazy & cute things my babe says:

- Come look Mom!  I took a hundred poops!
- That was a bad choice Mom.
- You and Daddy are being rude to me.  (this is whenever we discipline him)
- Mommy, your hair is beautiful.
- You can't say that.  Its naughty.  Go to time out.
- I pulled my pants down and showed Leah my underwear at school today and she was happy.  My response: "Did you only show her your underwear or did you show her your wiener too?"  Cruz: "Hahaha, oh Mom.  I didn't show her my wiener, that would just be weird."  (WOW, that conversation blew my mind!)
- I pooped my pants, change me.  (pre-potty trained days)
- I want to go to Disney World right now to see Dan & Brittni!
- You legs are poky Mom.  (note to self, shave legs more often)
- Can I put your hair in a pony tail?
- Is your wiener bleeding?  (after sneaking in on me in the bathroom while changing my tampon...I lock the door now!)
- I'm going to marry my Mommy.  (Cruz's response to his teacher's question)
- If I become a runner like them and win, will you be so proud of me?  (while watching Olympic Track & Field...my heart melted!)
- Mommy, leave.  (choosing to play with my beautiful girlfriends over me, bummer)
- I like to poop it, poop it.  (Cruz's version of Madagascar's: I like to move it, move it song)
- Mommy, you be nice and happy to Daddy.
- Daddy, you kiss Mommy.
- I lost.  (Cruz's response after he broke our 5 day old  iPad and I asked him why he threw his monster truck at it...we are working on his sportsmanship!)
- Me: "Cruz, would you like a kitty or puppy for a pet?"  Cruz: " Panda Bear."
- Daddy, it's frickin' cold outside.
- Is there a baby in there?  (Cruz commenting on my full tummy after a potluck, thanks buddy)
- Is this cool or weird? (Cruz's common question to lots of things)
- The carrots in my mouth are icky because they are mushy and crunchy carrots taste yummy (all done in a singing voice)
- But I can't go to bed yet, the sun is still out.  (well played my smart little one)
- I don't have a big wiener like Daddy has because I'm too little. 
- Me: "What do you want to talk about?" Cruz: "Horse's poop."
- Why do we poop?
- Why don't you have a wiener?
- Stay careful Mom!
- I'm really getting older.

There will be so many more things my little Cruz will say that proves to be nothing short of entertaining through the years to come...can't wait!

xoxo

bj

Doctor Visits

It is that time of the year again...time for your annual doctor visit & check-up.  I've dealt with my fair share of awkward moments during these visits.  I am well aware of the fact that they are very different depending on if you are a male or female, but both can cause some embarrassment.  This post is going to be based around female doctor visits since; well, I'm a girl and those are the only ones I've had the pleasure of experiencing.

I had a really bad experience about 6 years ago when I had to go in for my annual pap smear & breast exam.  I was fairly new to town and didn't have a regular gynecologist so I took the first appointment that I could get.  Let me share with you what transpired during that visit and how my one mistake of not requesting a female gyno comes back to haunt me.

I get there, strip down, put on the tissue paper thin gown and hover my butt ever so slightly above the cold hard vinyl exam table for fear of shooting through the roof from the freezing cold surface.  I slowly sink my weight towards it when, KNOCK, KNOCK...in comes the doc and with the position of the table to the door, I'm fairly certain he got a full moon since I didn't have enough time to arrange my gown and cover my rear.  Awesome, I have successfully tallied up one embarrassment for myself and my exam hasn't even started.  I try to move past the moment quickly and act like it didn't happen.  He takes his regular checks on my heart, lungs, throat, ears & eyes.  He asks me the standard set of questions in a very monotone voice.  I think to myself, "Isn't this guy a pleasure to converse with!"  After he completes those, I know the drill. 

Onto the exam table I go.  Time to saddle up and get those feet in the stirrups.  I scoot my butt down to the edge.  Apparently I didn't scoot down far enough because the doc tells me to come down some more, so I do.  I still didn't satisfy him because he says to come down even further.  At this point I'm thinking, "If I scoot any further, I'm going to be sitting on your face dude!  I barely have a 1/2" of  my ass on the table!"  So now that I am at the point that he needs me to be at, we get to the weird shit.  He does some poking and prodding all over the place that tenses me up and has me hoping he is quick about his work.  I am so totally wrong in thinking this male doctor will get the exam done within a couple of minutes!  I felt like the amount of time he was "checking" stuff out was far more than adequate!  Perhaps, I should have posted a sign down there that said NO loitering?!?!  In the long amount of time he was down there, he made small talk and asked me about track.  Um, excuse me?  I feel zero need to chitchat with you while your face is 2 inches from my vagina!  I don't need you to make me feel like we are old friends that are sitting around talking over a cup of coffee.  Take the swabs you need to send to the labs and send me on my merry way! 

Here is another weird, uncomfortable and icky (yes, I used the word icky!) part.  This doc has a GIGANTIC mustache!  Seriously, Mario & Luigi would have been jealous of this guys' massive stache!  Now, I don't have anything against a man having a mustache but when that mustache swipes the inside of my thigh while he is performing a pap smear, then I have a problem with it.  I also didn't appreciate that when he was making small talk with me, I could feel his hot breathe hitting my skin.  Gross, yuck, icky and everything above.  That was so unpleasant.

The breast exam part goes pretty fast for me since all he has to do are a couple of circle around my small, flat boobies.  No lumps, perfect!  Although, his down fall there was looking me directly in the eyes and talking.  Just do your doctor thing and don't talk to me please.

Now that I've shared a couple of not-so-fun events from one gyno visit, I got to thinking about some scenarios that could happen that are embarrassing for you and the doctor too!  Here we go:

1| Have you ever had to or wanted to fart while they are down there?  OMG!  I would die but I think it would be the most hilarious thing, ever!

2| Have you gone into the same doctor and had them not remember you until they are looking at your downstairs and all of the sudden they say, "Ah, now I remember you!"  Say what!?!?  Is there something down there that triggered your memory?  I feel weird now.

3| Have you run into your gyno at the grocery store and have that weird & awkward moment that you don't know what to say to them or talk about?

4| Have you ever had them try to use a certain size speculum and have to get a bigger one?  Like the big bertha model?  This hasn't happened to me but if it ever did, I would not feel very good about it.

Although getting a pap smear & breast exam can be uncomfortable, embarrassing and downright unpleasant; I have to stress the importance of getting them done annually.  I would much rather experience the things I discussed in this post than deal with the consequences of finding out something is wrong.  It is worth it to me to be happy and healthy over scared and embarrssed.  Ladies, I encourage you all to perform self breast checks and keep your pap smears updated.  You never know when one might save your life.

peace & love

bj

Public Dumping

You may be wondering if I'm going to be taking a stand on the display of littering (dumping) within our cities by the title of this post but you would be completely wrong in making that assumption.  I used the word dumping in place of pooping because quite frankly, it sounds nicer.

I should probably just start off by apologizing to my mother for the vulgarity or indecency I'm about to discuss.  I know I didn't make her that proud from my last two posts about child birth and the language I used.  She did indeed raise me better than to talk in such a manner but I found that writing in that style (satire inspired) helped portray my topic in the light that I wanted it and hopefully I didn't offend too many people in doing so.  Honestly, I don't think many folks thought it to be too terrible considering that those two posts are the second & third most viewed/read posts I've written.  It offered an entertaining and humorous approach to a topic that I do feel far too many people/WOMEN don't know the absolute truth about or haven't experienced it firsthand.

And now moving onto the heart of this topic...poop.  Public pooping to be precise.  I will admit that I get stage fright when it comes to going number two in public.  There are different public venues that are better than others.  For example: If I am at an amusement park, I will not have any issues with taking a deuce.  Chances are I will never run into those people again and if they find what I just did in an already disgusting bathroom stall gross, then that is their problem.  If you have to go, you have to go.  What makes this situation totally acceptable for me is the fact that I do not personally know the numerous of other thrill seekers that are there.  Plus, there are like 15 or more stalls that contribute to lots of continuous noise from flushing, people washing their hands & blow dryers that can cover up any accidentally squeakage that may happen while you are exporting some fudge to Mexico.

Taking deuces gets to be problematic when I'm in a public setting such as the workplace.  I have to see those people face to face 5 days a week and the last thing I want is to encounter a weird and awkward situation because I just destroyed a toilet and either A.) someone is in the bathroom and hears/smells it or B.) all the stalls fill up and the next person in line has to go to the stall you just occupied.  Despite what some men might think, I do NOT crap rainbows, butterflies & sunshine; although, that would be pretty frickin' awesome.  I have found a couple of ways to avoid these encounters from happening.  Let me share. 

1 | Time it just right.  I have gotten to the point where I have been able to get my digestive system on a schedule and can hold her in till I get home from work.  This works out most days but if I've consumed food such as tacos the night before, I'm screwed.  I also get myself into a predicament if I work late. By the time I pull in my driveway, I am bolting through the house door with my pants unbuttoned and screaming, "Oh please dear God just 10 more feet!"  This has never ended badly for me yet but I can see the day that I am going to have to either do a load of laundry or throw away some clothes.  Either way...not good.

2 | Play the waiting game.  I know you have all experienced a time that you go in, sit down and realize someone else in there too and you just sit in silence and wait.  You are hoping the other person will leave.  Doesn't it seem like the other person has the same exact idea as you?!?!  There you are, just sitting with your pants down and dueling it out with another person who has to poop too but is also embarrassed about having someone else hear them doing it.  Do you fire away or call it a draw?  Most times I call it even and get the hell outta there before that person dashes too and we run into each other.

3 | Drive by / scope it out.   If I know that I absolutely cannot hold it, I will do a drive by to scope out the bathroom.  We have lights that are on timers so I know that if the entryway is dark, I got a green light to launch a shuttle into the white hole.  If the light it on, I will proceed to go in, sit down and look under the stalls for feet.  If there are feet...no dice; I'm gone.  If there are no feet visible, Houston we are ready for launch!

While I am on the topic of poop I might as well address another area of concern.  Am I the only person that knows of unspoken common courteously rules that apply to public pooing?  Seriously folks.  If you have done something that requires a second flush, DO IT!  I do not want to head to the bathroom and walk in to see that you left brown swirl marks all over...gross.  Also, if there is an air freshener available, USE IT!  It doesn't completely take away the stank but it at least tames it down a smidge. 

Hopefully I haven't completed grossed anyone out but we all have to deal with it day in and day out.  Why not find a bit of humor in it? 

Well, that about wraps it up for me tonight.

xo

bj

Child Birth Part Deuce : The Shit I Forgot

Here it is...part deuce, the sequel, encore if you will to my original post about child birth!  After I published my post last night, I started to think of more things that I forgot!  I also got help from a couple of lovely ladies who shared with me a thing or two that they experienced.  I hope you all enjoy this one as much as the first one.

1 | Let's just start off with the entire reason I had to do a second post...memory loss.  I became extremely forgetful during my pregnancy and it didn't get much better after I gave birth either.  I like to think of it like this: I gave 1/2 of my brain to my child.  Actually, I'm going to restate that...the lil' shit stole it!  It is unbelievable how bad my memory has gotten.

2 | Some women have long strenuous labors.  We are talking hours of active labor people...continuous pushing & breathing.  Ouch.  I am exhausted thinking about it.  I was lucky and had a pretty standard text book delivery that went quick but I've had some girlfriends go through hell and back with theirs!  One lady shared with me the fact that she pushed so hard that she burst blood vessels in both eyes and it looked really creepy for 3 weeks.  Seriously, someone give those women an Olympic medal or something.

3 | By all means ladies, when the doctor asks you if you'd like to place a mirror at the foot of your bed so you can watch, you say NO!  I did not use one and I can't imagine what it would have been like if I did.  I honestly didn't need to see the miracle of birth when it was happening.  I have daily reminders from the marks it left on my body so I'm good.  I would think the mirror would either A.) Scare the shit out of you or B.) nope there is no b, it would scare the shit out of me!

4 | If you were in the delivery room with me and heard the noises I made while I pushed, you would have thought you were at Sea World because I sounded like a frickin' dolphin.  I shit you not, ask my sister.  I am slightly embarrassed by this but I was pushing so damn hard that the air that escaped while I pushed came out sounding like a marine mammal.  I can make the sound perfectly to this day so if you run into me, ask me to make it so you can truly appreciate the goofiness of it!

5 | To take the epidural or not - this is totally a personal preference.  I went into it thinking that if I could handle the pain, then I would go for an all natural & pain medicine free delivery.  Um, I guess I gave myself more credit than I should have because I screamed for the epidural like a crack whore who needed her fix.  I got to 5 centimeters (1/2 fully dilated) and begged to get the anesthesiologist stat!  I decided I didn't need to be anyone's hero that day and we live in the age of modern medicine so I am not ashamed to say I took the drugs.  Anyone that wants to judge me can but then I'm going to beat the shit out of their uterus and vagina and see if they want something to make them feel better.  Yes, I pussed out but I'm OK with it.

6 | You will be a little overwhelmed by the number of people that are actually in the delivery room.  If you think you are going to have a nice little intimate delivery, you are mistaken.  As I recall, there was a total of 4 different nurses & 2 doctors that were coming in and out of my room while I was spread eagle for everyone to see my stuff.  I felt like I should have at least gotten paid for the admittance into my room so I could have made a little money off of me showing it all.  Oh well.

7 | Take all the helping hands you can get.  This is especially useful when you & baby are trying to learn how to breastfeed.  I felt like I didn't have enough hands to do it all!  The nurses are wonderful with this.  I was a bit taken back in the beginning when nurses that I didn't know at all would just whole handily grab my boob and position it for Cruz to latch onto.  You get over having strangers grab your boobs to help you with breastfeeding.  You actually will miss it when you get home!  Like I said in my first post, breastfeeding can be very difficult for some woman.  My mother stayed with me for the first few days home and I got to the point where I asked her to help me.  I cried a lot over breastfeeding.  I wasn't happy, Cruz wasn't happy so I eventually switched to pumping and we got the best of both worlds!

8 | You will have never loved a water bottle more than after you give birth!  If you stretch, tear or rip you will experience stinging & burning unlike ever before!  Seriously, you will probably cry the first couple of times you have to pee.  You might even dread it so badly that you hold your pee to the point of involuntarily peeing your pants and that is just bad all around.  Dousing your vagina with 1/2 gallon of cool water will help calm the stinging & burning while you tinkle.  This will last for the first week or two.  Trust me, it does get better even though you won't feel like it will!  Witch hazel wipes, preparation H & ice are also great assistants in fighting the worse vaginal pain you will ever feel, unless you gave birth naturally & pain medicine free, then it is the 2nd worst giner pain ever.

9 | Let's talk poop.  You are going to want to take extreme care with the first poop you have after baby is born.  This will be like giving birth to a second child.  You can approach it one of two ways.  I compare them to a band-aid removal.  You can A.) do it fast so the pain is strong but over with quickly or B.) take it slowly and cautiously.  Either way...pooping hurts bad!

10 | Taking pictures immediately after you've given birth is a bad idea!  Take as many of the baby as you want but if you get my face in one, I will run after you to break your damn camera because I don't want any evidence existing of how shitty I looked!  I did let my mom & sister take photos of me with Cruz but I absolutely cringe when I see them.  I literally just got finished pushing the equivalent of an 8 lbs. Christmas ham out of my vagina and I look tired, bloated, stressed, fat and just all around a hot mess!  I guess the good thing about having them is it reminds me of how much I NEVER want to look like that ever again.  Yikes.

I find it entertaining how much other people feel their opinion of me having another child is somehow going to help me decide on actually getting pregnant again and having a second one.  I get where family members are coming from...we all love little babies at family functions but for my friends that have not had a child, I would like to tell them to have one themselves and go through all the things I've listed in my first post & this one and then tell me to have another.  I'm sure they may be more apt to bite their tongue after experiencing it firsthand!  Maybe someday a second child will come along...maybe 😉.

xoxo

bj

Child Birth : The Shit They Didn't Tell You

First off I would like to say that if you are a first time pregnant woman, proceed with caution.  Consider this your warning!  You will only have your curiosity to blame for reading this entire post and becoming mortified of what is inevitably laying ahead in your future. 

I want to talk about the shit nurses, doctors, friends, family & those "what to expect when expecting books" didn't tell you about having a baby.  They may have tried to tell you a tiny bit about it but they in no way gave you the God honest truth about child birth and what some women experience!  I would say most things I was told where sugar coated and grossly understated!

I absolutely cannot stand when someone talks about how wonderfully easy & beautiful their pregnancy and/or labor was.  I, by no means had a horrific pregnancy or child birth experience but I was definitely startled by a number of things and thought to myself, "Why the f*** didn't anyone tell me this shit was going to happen!".  Well guess what, you can thank me for telling you or at least trying to prepare you for something you may experience through pregnancy, child birth and afterwards.

1 | You will get stretch marks.  Unless you have insanely amazing genetics, you more than likely will get stretch marks on your boobies, ass, thighs & tummy.  It doesn't matter how much frickin' cocoa butter you rub on yourself, stretch marks will creep up on your body somewhere.  I totally thought I was in the clear and then in the last 3 weeks of my pregnancy, BOOM...stretch marks on boobs & ass.  Great news, I still have them!  For those of you who didn't get them, we are no longer friends.

2 | The first time you go tinkle after giving birth you will more than likely be completely shocked by the amount of blood in the toilet.  Seriously, it looks like you just died.  I thought I was going to need a blood transfusion when I took my first trip to the potty after giving birth to Cruz.  It seriously is not right to bleed that much and still be alive.  Just saying.  The greatest part of this is that you get to see and use the biggest pad ever known to man.  It is like wearing a diaper.  Your newborn and you get to begin your relationship in diapers together, how sweet!

3 |  Your greatest fear after giving birth will be coughing, sneezing, laughing or running.  Why you ask...because if you do any of those things too forcefully, you will pee your pants.  My bladder control sucks ass these days.  Having a baby sitting on top of your bladder for months on end can do a number on it.  I will admit to having gone for a run a couple months after having my little bundle of joy and having pee just run down my leg.  It was gross. 

4 | Your vagina will never be the same.  I'm not implying that you will have a big ole' floppy sloppy joe afterwards but it may not be the pre-delivery one you once had.  I had the wonderful experience of my son coming head first but with his hand on his head.  This obviously made crowning wider than it needed to be; thus, resulting in tearing the shit out of my labia minora.  They stitched it back together but it never healed right and I have what I like to call a mud flap.  Nice visual eh?  The hospital won't fix it because it is purely cosmetic.  Excuse me...cosmetic?  I don't consider it purely cosmetic when I sit down or cross my legs and pinch the shit out of it but hey they are doctors and must be right.  Eff that noise.

5 | Breastfeeding is not easy.  Some mothers and babies will naturally take to breastfeeding but it can be extremely difficult for others.  I was one of the difficult ones.  Cruz didn't take to it well and I got awfully frustrated.  I had it after both of my nipples completely scabbed over and I had chapped boobs.  The breast pump is one of the greatest inventions in my book.  Even with the 2 months of breastfeeding I did, my nipples are like rubber now.  You can flick those suckers and I can't feel a thing.  Bravo to those who hang in there.

6 | Having sex for the first time after you've given birth will probably terrify you even though it can be 6, 8 or more weeks after baby is born.  You will still have the birthing experience pretty fresh in your mind and all you can think about is if you get pregnant again you are gonna kill your husband.  Some women experience extreme pain and discomfort...you should probably seek medical advice in this case.  Either way...it is a bit scary.

7 | DO wear maternity clothes after you give birth.  I look back at some of the clothes I wore 2 weeks after having my son and I think, BIG mistake!  You will still have a jello tummy and be carrying pregnancy weight so it is best to wear your maternity clothes until you truly have dropped the extra pounds.

8 | Some ladies poop themselves during child birth.  I was stunned when I first heard of this but my doctor told me that the majority of women do have a BM during laboring.  BM is a kind way of saying shitting themselves.  WTF...really?!?!  I fortunatuely did NOT crap myself while pushing my son out and I seriously asked my sister like 5 mins. after I had him if I pooped and she smiled and said, no honey...you did not.  Score, 1 for Brittany.  Gross huh?

 9 | When your milk comes in, your boobs are going to get absolutely hard.  Not just a little hard but like rock solid.  It is also going to hurt like hell.  This will happen if you ever miss a feeding too so carry your pump with you everywhere.

10 | Since we are on the note of breasts...wear lactation pads while you sleep.  I cannot begin to tell you the number of shirts & bed sheets I ruined from my boobs leaking milk while I slept.  That shit stains and is hard to get out of fabric.  You should also wear them during the day, duh.

11 | Emotional rollercoaster & sleep deprivation.  Some woman go through post partum depression and this is a very serious condition.  If people around you think you are experiencing too many lows, you probably are and you should listen to them and get help.  Take advantage of the time you are in the hospital and sleep as much as you can.  The nurses are there to help you and you will be better off by letting them.  You've just pushed a frickin' baby out of your body & bled like a civil war solider for christ's sake so yeah, don't feel guilty about getting a little extra sleep!

I hope that you now understand when you ask me if and/or when I'm having my second child my answer is hells to the no.  I'd rather not voluntarily put myself through that shit again anytime soon.

peace

xoxo

bj

         

Photography vs. Hunting

You know, I'm always thinking about photography and how much I love it.  I started to wonder what it is comparable to for a guy.  Well, the more and more I thought about it the more I couldn't help but notice the crazy likeness photography and hunting have!  I am serious folks...I started to scare myself with the similarities I thought of.  Here is a list of things I've compiled that point out their commonalities:

1 | We both shoot things.
2 | We have to wait patiently for the right moment to capture what we want
3 | There is always a lot of time involved in processing after we have shot something
4 | The cost of a kick-ass rifle is equivalent to a pretty decent DSLR body
5 | You can get a new lens for the price of a new tree climber stand
6 | You can carry your gear by a strap
7 | We love being outdoors
8 | The best times to be outside for shooting something are at dusk & dawn
9 | Sometimes the best shot comes from laying on your stomach in wet grass
10 | You walk through water and mud to get to where you want to
11 | Locking in on your target involves lining up your crosshairs
12 | We could fill a room with our equipment
13 | We could spend all day doing it
14 | We both have to search nature for the right conditions and locations
15 | Both experience seasonality (wedding season / deer season)
16 | Having one rifle or DSLR is never enough, seriously...I want more gear!
17 | We feel extremely proud after a successful shoot
18 | Learning to be invisible is a valuable trait
19 | Our walls are filled with our proudest moments hanging on them
20 | It is something we want to teach our children how to do

Crazy huh?!? 

xoxo

bj

The Bitch Inside My Head

The title of this post is exactly what this lovely little rant is about!  I would say that 95% of the time I am pretty nice, non-judgemental & positive but then there are times that I do have the bitch inside my head speaking freely to me.

Have you ever found yourself sitting at your computer and overhear someone say something or see someones status update on Facebook and you begin to think some fairly judgemental thoughts?  Maybe it is just human to think this way.  It is harmless and pretty entertaining the things that we think.  I will admit that I am just as sallow, judgemental, cynical and bitchy as the rest of you!  If you claim that you don't ever think this way, well...you're lying.

I wanted to lay out some situations and give you what the bitch inside my head says and/or thinks of that particular situation: ENJOY!

• A larger individual says to you: "You're so lucky that you are small & skinny because you get to wear cute clothes."  Bitch in my head response: " Maybe you should motivate your fat ass enough to get off the couch and get in shape so you can wear cute clothes too?!?!"
• Someones Facebook status update reads something like this: "I'm so deeply in love, my life is perfect, I'm so lucky & happy, he/she is the best thing in my life...blah, blah, blah."  Bitch in my head response: " PUKE."
• Facebook status updates every hour or two = you have NO life and/or you are seeking to get attention too much!
• Overhearing someone say: "I can't decide if I should get ____ or _____ (shitty/fatty food) to eat.  Bitch response: "You should probably skip that entire thought and go straight to a head of lettuce and then maybe run 6 miles."
• Being asked if an outfit is cute.  Bitch in my head: "No, no it's not."
• Seeing someone at the gym wearing spandex that shouldn't.  What I'm thinking: "WTF!"
• While shopping, you go to grab a shirt and someone else takes it literally right in front of you!  The voice in my head: "Seriously, I will cut you!"
• Getting cut off while driving.  Bitch response: "AHHH you F******!  I will run you down and ride your ass the entire drive you are ahead of me and then I will proceed to flip you the bird."
• Watching any reality TV show.  The bitch response: " OMG, these people are so stupid.  I sure hope they don't breed because the world is just going to become even more stupid."
• When someone tells you that they would workout if they only had enough time.  Bitch in my head: " I'm sure you could find enough time if you'd stop living every second of your life on Facebook, stop eating Twinkies while laying on the couch and watching Real Housewives marathon and various other unproductive activities."

I do encounter numerous other situations that set off the bitch inside of my head.  I think what gets me going the most has to do with people's laziness and stupidity.  I'm really not a bad person for thinking these things because I don't act upon them and actually tell people these things but they do lend me a bit of humor thinking back on them. 

You Know You're A Mom When...

I never would have thought four or five years ago that I would be writing a collection of things that peg you in the category of mom.  The things on this list make everyday worth being a mother.  They are the little things and the big things that make you smile from the inside out.  There may be a couple on here that I could do without but, as all you other moms out there know, they are still a part of the role you play as mama.  For all you non-moms...may this collection open your eyes and enlighten you to what could be coming your way in the future!

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A MOM WHEN...

• reaching in your purse and you pull out a size 4 diaper
• reaching in your purse again and pulling out animal figurines
• getting really excited about going potty or poop on the "big boy" toilet
• taking your jacket off at work to realize your son stuck a sticker on your back
• shaving your legs in the shower while your 3 year old does circles around you
• finding a spot on your shirt or pants and thinking to yourself: "what is that!?!?"
• not wanting to drink too much on date night since you will be the one getting up at 6 am with the kid
• you have bags under your eyes 24/7
• going out to eat means sit down, order & eat ASAP before your son starts getting cranky
• knowing you will find cheerios in your car five years from now
• cleaning poop off the carpet and it isn't the dog's
• all the shows you watch are on the Disney channel
• you go to put on your shoes and they are filled with match box cars
• you reach in your coat pocket and find a nuk
• your big shopping adventures are to carter's, baby gap and the children's place
• you sleep walk through the day because you were up all night at a crib party
• going to the movies is no longer an option unless it is PG-13 and created by Disney
• noticing a smell in your car and you look under the seat to find a sippy cup with chunky milk in it
• you get puked on and don't want to kill the person who did it
• saying: "don't eat that!" and taking the dog food out of your kid's hands and mouth
• the famous: "is that chocolate or poop?" question
• you take your garbage out to the garage everyday so your house doesn't smell like poopy diapers
• saying: "I'm babysitting for my friend...my kid would never act like this!"
• car shopping actually involves reading safety ratings and consumer reviews
• grocery shopping by yourself is exciting and fun
• you are the first one up and the last one to bed
• working out usually involves pushing or pulling someone in something
• your pantry and countertops serve as a jungle gym

Undoubtedly, you will have lots of hugs, kisses and I love yous in-between the moments listed above that make being a mom wonderful and enjoyable.  I wanted to do a list like this one because it is fairly more entertaining.

If you haven't experienced a majority of the things on this list as a mom, you either have a nanny or are completely oblivious to what is going on around you!

| me & baby cruz june 2009 |

The Mother Of All Pet Peeves

We all have that one pet peeve that just drives us completely nuts!  No matter what that pet peeve is, we cringe whenever it happens and get thoroughly annoyed.  I have quite a few different pet peeves but there is one in particular that sends me up a wall.  It never fails that this will happen to me almost every month.  I've come to expect that it will happen.  I honestly don't think there is any way to avoid it from occurring.  Well, there is one way but I refuse to give up going to the gym in order to avoid it from presenting itself. 

I could plainly tell you this pet peeve but I don't think you'd fully enjoy or appreciate it unless I provide a full & detailed encounter.  So, here it is:

I will go to the gym to get a workout in.  I lace up my running shoes and drag myself over to the treadmills to get started on my cardio.  I use the word drag because I absolutely hate running on a treadmill.  Being in WI limits the amount of time I can go outside during the winter and get in a quality run.  Therefore, I settle for running on a belt instead.  Back to my story...I am running on a treadmill.  There is a row of 6 treadmills and I will always choose one that does not have anyone on either side of me if I can.  As I am getting further into my run, someone will decide to get on the treadmill right next to me.  This would be OK if all the other ones are occupied BUT, they are not.  I am slightly annoyed by this but it is tolerable.  The next part that happens is where I lose it. 

This particular individual that decides to run next to me when all other treadmills are open will look over at my treadmill stats.  Then they will start their treadmill and set their MPH at .1 or .2 higher than mine.  I can see their reflection in the window in front of us and they have a bit of a smirk on their face.  I have to chuckle to myself because this person has no idea what they just did!  I can tell when someone does this intentionally and since I have a mean streak of competitiveness coursing through my veins, I think to myself: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!  I usually wait about 30 seconds before I increase my MPH by .1 just to bait this person and see if he/she is truly going to be that 1-up person in the gym.  Usually my prediction is right and about 15-30 seconds later I hear beep, beep.  Now it is on! 

Little does this individual know that I have been running competitively since I was 6 years old in road races or that I ran cross-country &  track throughout middle school & high school.  They don't even know that I was a collegiate track athlete; although, the UWRF Track & Field shirt I'm wearing should go without saying.  Lastly, they have no clue that I have a National Championship ring in my jewelry box.  I could wear it to the gym to convey the message, but that would just be vein.  I'm kidding by the way...I would never wear my NCAA ring to the gym. 

Regardless of all these things, 1-up guy next to me has started something he will pay greatly for tomorrow with sore muscles.  Next thing I know, this person has increased their MPH by only .1 or .2 again.  I beep back at them from my treadmill to let them know I am not impressed by their display of douchiness (if that is even a word?!?!).  The beeping of treadmills continues and serves as an inadvertent curse word sensor between us.  Before you know it we are cruising away at 8 MPH or more and I can tell this person hates me.  It isn't long that they hit the stop button and get off their treadmill from hell. 

I have never had the same person do this to me twice at the gym.  One time usually does the trick.  Maybe this action on my behalf is immature but it is fairly gratifying when I can provide a lesson to people...do not get on the treadmill right next to me and 1-up my MPH if you can't hang.

Happy Sunday!

xo

bj

25 Things That Piss Me Off

It has been one of those days for me.  One where I feel like steam is shooting out of my ears every ten minutes.  I am the type of person that can usually take negativity, conflicts or stupidity in stride and let it roll off my back.  But, there are times that I have taken so much crap that I am full to the brim and start overflowing.  This situation is not very ideal since I have a short fuse.  There is no in between for me...it is instant BOOM!  In lue of my mood today, I have decided that I want to share the top 25 things that piss me off.  There are others but this list covers a good majority of them.

1 | Egotistical assholes...you may think you know everything but you probably don't.

2 | Being told that I can't do something.

3 | Someone saying they will do something and then knowingly blow it off.

4 | Waiting in line.

5 | People who always have to get in the last word.

6 | Someone who always has to try to tell a better story than mine (a.k.a. 1-up guy).

7 | Math.

8 | People who want me to feel sorry for them about being overweight...NOT HAPPENING!

9 | When someone drags their teeth on silverware when eating.

10 |  Individuals that are quick to judge someone else.

11 | People that get on the treadmill right next to me when all of the other ones are open.

12 | Double standards.

13 | Players.

14 | Liars.

15 | Parents who let their children rule them.

16 | Bullies.

17 | When someone trys to take advantage of me.

18 | The cost of living.

19 | People who cheat on their spouse/significate other.

20 | Bad drivers.

21 | When someone continuelly sends me Facebook friend requests.  I declined for a reason; get an effin clue...I don't want you looking at my shit!

22 | People that are good looking but always say they aren't just to get you to tell them they are good looking; get over yourself.

23 | When someone asks where you bought your shirt and then buys the same one...creepy. 

24 | People who pretend to be someone they're not. 

25 | Constantly being told to Carpe Diem.  Um, somedays I want to & others I'd rather not...let me decide!

Valentine's Day Gifts That Would Suck To Receive

Val·en·tine's Day or Val·en·tines Day  (vln-tnz)

 Noun 1. Valentine's Day- a day for the exchange of tokens of affection

(It is traditionally a day on which lovers express their love for each other by presenting flowers, offering confectionery, and sending greeting cards)

Now that I've provided a brief definition of what Valentine's Day is, let's cover the gifts that should not be given on this day.  If you receive one of the following you should dump that guy's ass ASAP!

• An oil change
• Stuffed animal (those are for children)
• A poke on Facebook
• A poke that leads to a rash (kick him out of your car and go to the doctor immediately!)
• Nothing...this is a sign of a guy that is either stupid or lazy or both
• Gym membership
• Divorce papers (OUCH!)
• Those cutlet bra inserts that make you lot bigger than you actually are
• The book or DVD of "He's Just Not That Into You"
• Any type of appliance (unless you specifically approve this purchase before hand)
• Cheap wine
• Fake flowers (the guy that gives these is just plain stupid)
• Any gift from a gas station (white trash anyone?)
• Love coupon book (I will not be performing or receiving sexual favors via coupons)
• Lingerie that is over the top (leave those purchases up to us)
• Cheesy heart shaped jewelry in bright kid colors
• A bathroom scale
• Anything weight loss related (we can admit if we need to lose weight but if you suggest it you will soon find your balls in your throat)
• Suggest taking your relationship to the next level...a three-some (never ever OK)
• Hair removal appointments
• Avon old lady perfume roll-on stick
• Cooking classes (it would be OK if it were for both of you but if it's just for her = not cool)
• Sex for Dummies book (WTF!)
• Free hug coupons (I will take a free hug whenever I want you dick... spend a little money)
• A note in a jewelry box saying if you had enough money there would be an engagement ring instead of this cheap ass piece of jewelry you picked up for $20.
• Self-help book(s)
• A tattoo of your name (never a good idea)

Glad that we've covered this...best of luck with your Valentine's Day this year!



Shit My Kid Says

Sometimes the best thing that can put a smile on our face is due to the words that come straight out of the mouths of our children.  It is one of the best feelings as a parent to hear your little one say, "I love you" or " I missed you."  They can be so incredibly sweet that it melts our hearts and fills us with pride.  There are even times that they can be darling little angels and you start thinking you'd love to have another one!  Eyes so big and smiles so darn cute that it makes it nearly impossible to say no to anything they ask of us.

Well, this blog post is so NOT about these adorable, kind, sweet or oh-too cute things our children say.  This post is about those crazy moments we experience as parents that make us think WTF, OMG and are you kidding me?!?!  As a mother of a precocious almost 3 year old boy, I am sometimes stunned by the words that past between my ears.

Here is a lovely little collection of slightly ridiculous things that have found their way through my son's little voice and out of his mouth:

• Boobies
• I pooped in the tub
• Damn it Dad
• Eleven-teen
• Forty-teen
• Mommy, where is your wiener?
• You have a big butt
• I'm gonna poop on your face
• I fart in your face
• I'm pimpin'
• Daddy did it (when daddy is not home!)
• I will spank you so hard
• Whatever Mom
• Frickin' kids
• Mommy is a good boy
• Mommy, you have small boobies
• Get him out...I want to play with him (taking about a pregnant friend's tummy)
• Dad, don't change me yet.  I still pooping my pants.
• I went poop (said proudly)...on the floor...in the closet
• You on time out Mommy
• These my boobies (patting his tummy)
• God damn it (after dropping a toy)
• My balls hurt
• I got poop on my balls
• Wipe my butt
• My dad likes beer
• I want to put on your make-up
• I want a captain coke ( I shit you not...he actually said this!)
• I wear your pretty dress
• You Santa Claus Mommy?
• You eat poop
• I love Scooby Boo because he's beautiful
• I want Chipotle because it make my leg feel better
• I farted just like my daddy

I'm sure there are plenty more that I cannot recall at this time and I'm sure there will be plenty more to come as he gets older.  I am so excited to watch Cruz continually grow and become his own person.  I will be proud to say he's mine..that one; throughout his entire life.  There is never a lack of entertaining things that he says or does! 

Have a great weekend everyone!

I LOVE MY JOB!

The following email circulated around my office yesterday and I about peed my pants from trying to hold in my laughter.  You will have a new found respect for your job after you read this! 

I LOVE MY JOB!

  

If you don't laugh after you read this you are in a coma!  Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

    

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana.  He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.  Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office.  I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realise it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea.  I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool.  So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.

This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea.  It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch.  So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn.

I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realised what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, further down it traveled to my ass crack which does indeed harbor hair and it got stuck in there.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish in. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, was laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonising in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.  When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my asshole was swallon shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it could be!.

Now repeat to yourself 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'

Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is it really that bad?