If you have ever wanted to see a stripped down, raw & emotional version of me... here is your opportunity. I have laid my heart open in this post to show probably the most vulnerable side of me yet. A side of me that I don't allow everyone to see. I hope you can appreciate my willingness to share a part of my life that completely changed my entire mindset and approach to living this one life that we get. Some of you may think this is a private matter I shouldn't share and others of you might find solace in me providing my honesty. Those of you that know me best know that I'm a typical over-sharer and it doesn't surprise you that I'm posting this. Writing this particular post helps me close the circle of this event in my life and is a therapeutic exercise to complete. I've contemplated writing this for a long time and I am finally in a good spot to do so. The content encompassed in here is on the truth about my miscarriage. My life after loss. How it felt. How it changed me. How my vision in life became different and speaking openly about a topic that seems taboo for so many people.
{WE'RE PREGNANT}
April 2015 we got pregnant! We had literally spent years talking about having a child. It was 'never the right time' or honestly it was 'too scary' to think about bringing another child into our lives. We were comfortable. Why would we want to change a lifestyle that we enjoyed and had minimal worries about? One and done, right!?!? That's what we always said. It seemed like Brant and I had been on opposite pages year after year about having a baby. He wanted to, I didn't. I wanted to, he didn't. A constant back and forth that never met in the middle to finally say, YES... that was until April 2015.
The entire year leading up to us getting pregnant I did a lot of thinking (and crying) about life and it's purpose. I thought about Cruz (our only child) and what his life would be like as an adult and eventually after both Brant & I are gone. I couldn't help but feel a terrible amount of despair and guilt. How could I leave a child behind without a sibling? Sure, he would have his own family (God willing) and friends but not a brother or sister to lean on, talk to and confide in. That did it for me and that was when I knew wholeheartedly I wanted to have another child. Brant meeting me on the same page was monumental. He understood where it was coming from for me but he had his own reservations, doubts & fears about having a baby. We both let go of our fears and agreed we would try for one month. If it happened then it was meant to be and if it didn't we would finally move on with life and one child.
Well, it did happen...we got pregnant without any extra effort or calculating! I was ecstatic! I was also a little scared & shocked. Making the decision to have a child and then it actually happening filled me with all sorts of emotions. I couldn't wait to share the news with Brant, our families & friends. The reality of adding another child to our family made me want to burst at the seams with joy. A new life flashed in my head of what our future held. I imagined a baby who looked exactly like Brant. That would be a wonderful finishing touch to our family. Would he or she be an athletic little stinker like Cruz? A ball of energy that adds extra light to our lives? Would he or she be an easy baby or a difficult one? Certainly, this baby would add another layer of richness and depth to our relationship and family. Cruz makes my heart overflow constantly. How will I be able to handle the love another child brings to me? It enthralled me to think about but I didn't have long to think about it. My joyous moments and dreams soon turned into darkness and I experienced for the first time in my life an enormous amount of terrible sadness. A devastation larger than I imagined I could feel.
{WE'RE NOT PREGNANT}
Memorial Day Weekend (8 weeks pregnant) - Friday morning at 5 AM I woke up. I was wet and my body hurt. Fear and panic smashed me in the face. I knew what was happening. I ran to the bathroom. My heart raced and a huge lump crept up my throat as I discovered exactly what I had thought was happening but prayed I was wrong about. Blood. Lots of blood soaked my clothes. My abdomen hurt and ached worse than any period I had before. I was having a miscarriage.
I fell to the floor as my worst fear for this pregnancy was just realized. Our 'let's try for one month and leave it up to God plan' of becoming pregnant had just been ripped out of the white knuckled grip of my hands. My body was rejecting and terminating a pregnancy that my heart and mind had willingly prayed for and I couldn't do anything about it. I was helpless. I had zero control over stopping what was happening in those early morning moments. I laid there on the bathroom floor for what seemed like forever and I cried. After pulling myself together, I made my way back to our bed with a foggy haze filling my brain. Brant was still asleep. 'I won't wake him,' I thought, 'he needs to sleep'. 'I will tell him after he wakes up.' So, I laid there next to him and silently cried tears into my pillow until it was soaked and I had to turn it over.
6 AM - Brant woke up earlier than normal. I followed him into the bathroom. Tired sleep filled his eyes as he looked at me. He immediately knew something was wrong. All I could manage to say was, 'I lost the baby.' That tired sleepiness he felt left his face in an instant and he embraced me as tears filled his own eyes. I felt weak and helpless in his arms. We didn't exchange any words for several minutes. He just held onto me tightly as I sobbed uncontrollably. Time passed and we finally talked about what was happening. We both lied to ourselves saying maybe it will be OK and that I was still pregnant. Crazy things happen and I could be an exception to what the typical signs of a miscarriage are. We both knew it wasn't true but we held onto what little bit of hope there was that we were still going to have a baby. Brant suggested I stay home but I knew that would only make me dwell on it more. I decided to go to work to try to keep my mind busy. It was not a productive day. I cracked every 30 minutes and cried discretely in my cube. I called the clinic to see if I could get in to be checked and confirm a miscarriage but with it being the Friday of Memorial Day Weekend doctors were out, schedules were full and I was told to monitor the bleeding over the extended weekend. I did as suggested and was seen that following Tuesday. All of our hope was lost as I continued to show signs of a miscarriage through the following days. My doctor appointment gave us the ultimate answer that I was indeed no longer pregnant. In a mere handful of days my biologic chemical makeup of being a pregnant woman dissipated to levels of hardly even registering through clinical blood work tests. The wishful hopes and dreams of a future with a tiny new baby faded out as quickly as they had shown through. I didn't realize how desperately I wanted another child until that opportunity had been taken away from me. My heart ached. My eyes puffy from crying. I felt defeated.
Experiencing a miscarriage is a peculiar feeling. The loss of control in the situation was nauseating for me. I was truly devastated. In those moments I had never felt so alone and isolated. Out of the millions of people that inhabit this planet, I felt like I was the only person to have ever felt that way. Thoughts rushed in of 'what is wrong with me, why did this happen, could I have prevented this...?' I felt incompetent as a women. I am a smart person. I knew why I had a miscarriage. I knew it was a common thing. I understood the silver lining in it was my body recognized the pregnancy was not 'healthy'. My body knew something existed that was a genetic mismatch and expelled it. I totally get that is nature's way of working but my emotional self couldn't wrap my head around why it was happening to me. I was pissed off, mad, sad, confused, frustrated, desperate, lost, helpless and down right angry. Imagine being slammed so hard with all of the emotions in the human spectrum in a short amount of time and that's how I would describe my experience. It was gut-wrenchingly difficult to endure. What tore me apart the worst was the sudden loss of not planning that future I had been so excited about. No more picking out baby names. No more sharing the great news that we were pregnant but having to share the news that we had a miscarriage. The idea of a life I was going to have was no longer a reality and I couldn't do anything about it. A child that I envisioned a future for hardy even had a chance to live & grow inside of me. That little human being that I longed for no longer existed. Was it a boy? Was it a girl? Who would that baby have grown up to be? The opportunity now ceased for me to find out.
{WE'RE PREGNANT...AGAIN}
October 2015 we got pregnant...again! I didn't know if I would be able to say that another time after I had a miscarriage but I have been given the wonderful chance to. Here I am one year later and I am at 33 weeks pregnant. I can humbly share that we are anxiously awaiting the birth of our healthy, beautiful daughter. This pregnancy has given me a whole new outlook on life and the things that matter most. This little girl has sparked a new fire inside of me to live richer and love deeper. She has given me a renewed freshness of hope and belief. She has made me realize the importance of slowing down, taking a deep breath and enjoying small moments in life that create happiness. She represents a future I had thought I lost but can now look forward to experiencing. She gives me a sense of wholeness to my life and I haven't even met her! She will be a perfect addition to our Johnson family.
To any woman who has experienced the despair of a miscarriage or multiple ones, my heart goes out to you. If you felt any of the emotions I felt during this ordeal then I can offer you my empathic condolences. To any parent that has lost a pregnancy or a child or a grown child that has caused you tremendous amounts of pain, I truly hope you have found comfort in your journey. We all handle grief differently. I was taken by surprise the amount of sadness that came along with mine. It spoke volumes to my heart of what my soul longed for more than my mind knew. I believe that is why this pregnancy means so much to me and to others. An opportunity lost that has been given again. The realization of a dream. Becoming a mother to another child is the most precious gift I could have been granted. I cannot wait to meet this very special little girl! I cannot wait to see her face and get to know the person she becomes. I hope she gets Brant's big brown eyes, dark hair & sense of humor. I hope she is kind, sweet & loving like her brother, Cruz. Lastly, I hope I can teach her how to open her heart & mind to live life fully!
xoxo,
britt
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