The Truth About My Miscarriage: Life After Loss

If you have ever wanted to see a stripped down, raw & emotional version of me... here is your opportunity. I have laid my heart open in this post to show probably the most vulnerable side of me yet. A side of me that I don't allow everyone to see. I hope you can appreciate my willingness to share a part of my life that completely changed my entire mindset and approach to living this one life that we get. Some of you may think this is a private matter I shouldn't share and others of you might find solace in me providing my honesty. Those of you that know me best know that I'm a typical over-sharer and it doesn't surprise you that I'm posting this. Writing this particular post helps me close the circle of this event in my life and is a therapeutic exercise to complete. I've contemplated writing this for a long time and I am finally in a good spot to do so. The content encompassed in here is on the truth about my miscarriage. My life after loss. How it felt. How it changed me. How my vision in life became different and speaking openly about a topic that seems taboo for so many people.

{WE'RE PREGNANT}

April 2015 we got pregnant! We had literally spent years talking about having a child. It was 'never the right time' or honestly it was 'too scary' to think about bringing another child into our lives. We were comfortable. Why would we want to change a lifestyle that we enjoyed and had minimal worries about? One and done, right!?!? That's what we always said. It seemed like Brant and I had been on opposite pages year after year about having a baby. He wanted to, I didn't. I wanted to, he didn't. A constant back and forth that never met in the middle to finally say, YES... that was until April 2015.

The entire year leading up to us getting pregnant I did a lot of thinking (and crying) about life and it's purpose. I thought about Cruz (our only child) and what his life would be like as an adult and eventually after both Brant & I are gone. I couldn't help but feel a terrible amount of despair and guilt. How could I leave a child behind without a sibling? Sure, he would have his own family (God willing) and friends but not a brother or sister to lean on, talk to and confide in. That did it for me and that was when I knew wholeheartedly I wanted to have another child. Brant meeting me on the same page was monumental. He understood where it was coming from for me but he had his own reservations, doubts & fears about having a baby. We both let go of our fears and agreed we would try for one month. If it happened then it was meant to be and if it didn't we would finally move on with life and one child.

Well, it did happen...we got pregnant without any extra effort or calculating! I was ecstatic! I was also a little scared & shocked. Making the decision to have a child and then it actually happening filled me with all sorts of emotions. I couldn't wait to share the news with Brant, our families & friends. The reality of adding another child to our family made me want to burst at the seams with joy. A new life flashed in my head of what our future held. I imagined a baby who looked exactly like Brant. That would be a wonderful finishing touch to our family. Would he or she be an athletic little stinker like Cruz? A ball of energy that adds extra light to our lives?  Would he or she be an easy baby or a difficult one? Certainly, this baby would add another layer of richness and depth to our relationship and family. Cruz makes my heart overflow constantly. How will I be able to handle the love another child brings to me? It enthralled me to think about but I didn't have long to think about it. My joyous moments and dreams soon turned into darkness and I experienced for the first time in my life an enormous amount of terrible sadness. A devastation larger than I imagined I could feel.

{WE'RE NOT PREGNANT}

Memorial Day Weekend (8 weeks pregnant) - Friday morning at 5 AM I woke up. I was wet and my body hurt. Fear and panic smashed me in the face. I knew what was happening. I ran to the bathroom. My heart raced and a huge lump crept up my throat as I discovered exactly what I had thought was happening but prayed I was wrong about. Blood. Lots of blood soaked my clothes. My abdomen hurt and ached worse than any period I had before. I was having a miscarriage.

I fell to the floor as my worst fear for this pregnancy was just realized. Our 'let's try for one month and leave it up to God plan' of becoming pregnant had just been ripped out of the white knuckled grip of my hands. My body was rejecting and terminating a pregnancy that my heart and mind had willingly prayed for and I couldn't do anything about it. I was helpless. I had zero control over stopping what was happening in those early morning moments. I laid there on the bathroom floor for what seemed like forever and I cried. After pulling myself together, I made my way back to our bed with a foggy haze filling my brain. Brant was still asleep. 'I won't wake him,' I thought, 'he needs to sleep'. 'I will tell him after he wakes up.' So, I laid there next to him and silently cried tears into my pillow until it was soaked and I had to turn it over.

6 AM - Brant woke up earlier than normal. I followed him into the bathroom. Tired sleep filled his eyes as he looked at me. He immediately knew something was wrong. All I could manage to say was, 'I lost the baby.' That tired sleepiness he felt left his face in an instant and he embraced me as tears filled his own eyes. I felt weak and helpless in his arms. We didn't exchange any words for several minutes. He just held onto me tightly as I sobbed uncontrollably. Time passed and we finally talked about what was happening. We both lied to ourselves saying maybe it will be OK and that I was still pregnant. Crazy things happen and I could be an exception to what the typical signs of a miscarriage are. We both knew it wasn't true but we held onto what little bit of hope there was that we were still going to have a baby. Brant suggested I stay home but I knew that would only make me dwell on it more. I decided to go to work to try to keep my mind busy. It was not a productive day. I cracked every 30 minutes and cried discretely in my cube. I called the clinic to see if I could get in to be checked and confirm a miscarriage but with it being the Friday of Memorial Day Weekend doctors were out, schedules were full and I was told to monitor the bleeding over the extended weekend. I did as suggested and was seen that following Tuesday. All of our hope was lost as I continued to show signs of a miscarriage through the following days. My doctor appointment gave us the ultimate answer that I was indeed no longer pregnant. In a mere handful of days my biologic chemical makeup of being a pregnant woman dissipated to levels of hardly even registering through clinical blood work tests. The wishful hopes and dreams of a future with a tiny new baby faded out as quickly as they had shown through. I didn't realize how desperately I wanted another child until that opportunity had been taken away from me. My heart ached. My eyes puffy from crying. I felt defeated.

Experiencing a miscarriage is a peculiar feeling. The loss of control in the situation was nauseating for me. I was truly devastated. In those moments I had never felt so alone and isolated. Out of the millions of people that inhabit this planet, I felt like I was the only person to have ever felt that way. Thoughts rushed in of 'what is wrong with me, why did this happen, could I have prevented this...?' I felt incompetent as a women. I am a smart person. I knew why I had a miscarriage. I knew it was a common thing. I understood the silver lining in it was my body recognized the pregnancy was not 'healthy'. My body knew something existed that was a genetic mismatch and expelled it. I totally get that is nature's way of working but my emotional self couldn't wrap my head around why it was happening to me. I was pissed off, mad, sad, confused, frustrated, desperate, lost, helpless and down right angry. Imagine being slammed so hard with all of the emotions in the human spectrum in a short amount of time and that's how I would describe my experience. It was gut-wrenchingly difficult to endure. What tore me apart the worst was the sudden loss of not planning that future I had been so excited about. No more picking out baby names. No more sharing the great news that we were pregnant but having to share the news that we had a miscarriage. The idea of a life I was going to have was no longer a reality and I couldn't do anything about it. A child that I envisioned a future for hardy even had a chance to live & grow inside of me. That little human being that I longed for no longer existed. Was it a boy? Was it a girl? Who would that baby have grown up to be? The opportunity now ceased for me to find out.

{WE'RE PREGNANT...AGAIN}



October 2015 we got pregnant...again! I didn't know if I would be able to say that another time after I had a miscarriage but I have been given the wonderful chance to. Here I am one year later and I am at 33 weeks pregnant. I can humbly share that we are anxiously awaiting the birth of our healthy, beautiful daughter. This pregnancy has given me a whole new outlook on life and the things that matter most. This little girl has sparked a new fire inside of me to live richer and love deeper. She has given me a renewed freshness of hope and belief. She has made me realize the importance of slowing down, taking a deep breath and enjoying small moments in life that create happiness. She represents a future I had thought I lost but can now look forward to experiencing. She gives me a sense of wholeness to my life and I haven't even met her! She will be a perfect addition to our Johnson family.

To any woman who has experienced the despair of a miscarriage or multiple ones, my heart goes out to you. If you felt any of the emotions I felt during this ordeal then I can offer you my empathic condolences. To any parent that has lost a pregnancy or a child or a grown child that has caused you tremendous amounts of pain, I truly hope you have found comfort in your journey. We all handle grief differently. I was taken by surprise the amount of sadness that came along with mine. It spoke volumes to my heart of what my soul longed for more than my mind knew. I believe that is why this pregnancy means so much to me and to others. An opportunity lost that has been given again. The realization of a dream. Becoming a mother to another child is the most precious gift I could have been granted. I cannot wait to meet this very special little girl! I cannot wait to see her face and get to know the person she becomes. I hope she gets Brant's big brown eyes, dark hair & sense of humor.  I hope she is kind, sweet & loving like her brother, Cruz. Lastly, I hope I can teach her how to open her heart & mind to live life fully!

xoxo,
britt

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Back, Bis & Core Workout

Well, I fell off the wagon again and it has been a while since I last posted.  My apologizes folks.  Life gets crazy, busy and we have to juggle things as best as we can.  Unfortunately, my blog was an area that I had to focus less on for sometime.

BUT...here I am again with another workout share to help any of you followers that truly enjoy reading what I have to say.

Back, Bis & Core Workout

• Increase weight with each set
• Minimal rest between sets & reps
•  Hit it hard!

peace & love

bj

My New Training Schedule

Well, Tough Mudder Minnesota 2013 has come and gone.  So, what's next?  I signed up for a 1/2 marathon at the end of October and I have general fitness goals of dropping total body fat percentage and gaining more muscle definition. 

In the efforts to jump start this, I created a new 6 week training schedule for myself.  Some of you might think it is insane, too much, or too aggressive but I call it getting me to my goals.  Without continually pushing my limits, I will never know what I can achieve.  I'm the type of person that if I have a plan in place, I am more apt to follow it.  Structuring out my week like this allows me to schedule and prepare as need to keep myself accountable.  Once the 6 weeks are over, I will tailor it as needed to prep for the 1/2 marathon.

WISH ME LUCK!

peace & love

bj

Totally Toned Body Workout

If you are seeking to get a totally toned body with some effort and discipline, then I would throw this workout plan at you and say, "Try it!"  I would also say tighten up your nutritional intake and eat as clean as possible.  If you don't know what that means, goggle it.

 

This workout is based on continually confusing your body.  If you do the same old routine week after week, your body acclimates and plateaus... leaving you with no progression.  An effective way to train is to shock the system and work muscles in a different way.  This process allows for continued improvement. 

You will perform circuit A on Monday, circuit B on Wednesday, circuit A on Friday and circuit B on Sunday.  Circuit A is done with higher weight for less time in reps and more rest.  Circuit B is done with lower weight for more time in reps and less rest.  You will complete the circuit for a total of 2 sets.  IF this doesn't push you hard enough, increase to a total of 3 sets.  Try to stick with this for several weeks and you should see a progression in body shape and strength by week 4-6.  Also increase your weights for both circuit A & B with each week.  GOOD LUCK!

peace & love

bj





Torch Your Love Handles

Man, do I hate love handles.  They are stubborn and hard to get rid of.  They are not very flattering on a female or male figure either.  This is my most troublesome spot, grrr.  Some of you may be thinking, "What love handles, Brittany?"  Trust me, they are there.  Not many of you have seen me naked or at least I don't think you have!  Ha.  Yikes. 

So, how do we lose them?  Here is your answer: proper nutrition, exercise and sleep.  Sound similar to other exercise & weight lose approaches?  Yep, like anything else you need to have a combined effort of those areas to see results.  Doing a million crunches won't cut the fat off your back & hips...sorry!

Here is a workout I designed to help torch the love handles right off of you to reveal a sexy body underneath.  Implement this into your weekly schedule and you should see progress in a couple of weeks.  Good luck people!

peace & love
bj

Here are some helpful tips on how to perform these exercises and why they are great:

Plank Climbers

Start in plank position, with your shoulders pressed down, and your pelvis tucked. Drive your right knee to your chest, and tuck your chin, keeping your torso and hips stable. Step back to plank and repeat on the other side.  This exercise engages the entire core and has upper body benefits as well.

Overhead Squat Swing
Use a kettlebell or dumbbell to blast off those love handles. Put your feet shoulder-width apart with the bell between them, slightly in front of you. Grab the handle with both hands and squat with your hips back. Hike the kettlebell back toward your rear end (don't let it swing all the way behind you; it should stop a little behind your knees). Keeping your back flat and your arms straight, immediately stand up and press your hips forward, swinging the kettlebell upward until it's overhead. As the bell begins to arc back down, bend your knees and squat, swinging it between your legs.  This is great for core, legs and shoulders.

Side Plank With Twist
Start in a side plank with your left hand on the floor and your right hand reaching to the sky. Inhale and lift your body up until it arcs while reaching your right hand overhead. On the exhale, lift your hips, twist your torso and reach your right arm behind you under your left hip.  Awesome exercise for obliques!

Standing Extended Side Crunch
This move is a great one. Stand with your arms stretched overhead. Bend sideways, lift one knee to the side and pull your elbow to touch your knee. Straighten and repeat.  Do the other side.  Great for balance and obliques.

Rotators
Positioning is important for this move. Start on your hands and knees with your hips and shoulders at the same level, and your knees elevated and spread wide. (You should have equal weight on all four limbs, with a flat back.) Hook your right foot over your left ankle and drop your right hip by pivoting on your left foot and aiming the hip towards your right elbow. Keep your arms locked and shoulders positioned directly over your hands throughout the movement. Return to your starting position and repeat on the right.  Engages core nicely.

Burpees
Burpees are such a tough but amazing exercise to use in your love handle fat loss program. They burn a ton of calories in a very short amount of time and the variations for them are endless. For example, you can use just your body weight, you can hold two dumbbells and do them, put a jump in the beginning of the movement, use a barbell and even a frog hop. Heck, you can even throw in a pushup at the bottom portion of the movement to hit more muscle fibers.

Side Planks
Yes I know you can’t specifically target your love handles and make them shrink with spot reducing exercises, but side planks will help you tighten up and firm your entire mid section including your external and internal oblique’s. They will also help you tighten up the all important transverse abdominus. This muscle is chiefly responsible for providing lower back and lower spine support while acting as a girdle for your mid section.

Hill Sprints
Now you might be thinking I’m crazy because hill sprints don’t specifically target your love handle area. Yes I know that but there is a ton of anecdotal evidence showing that people who have added sprints into their fat loss program begin to lose inches off of their waist lines in just a few weeks from adding this form of exercise. Now why are hill sprints so good to lose belly fat and your love handles? Well, because it utilizes intense interval training. No boring and slow cardio here.  A good workout to start off with is to find the biggest and baddest looking hill in your area. I don’t care how big it is. In fact, the bigger the hill, the better your workout and the better your results are going to be. Start at the bottom and from there, sprint up the hill as fast as you can and don’t stop until you reach the top. Once you reach the top, slowly walk back down and repeat this sequence. It might be really hard at first, but just stick to it and I promise it will get easier.

Cut the Carbs
Exercise alone might not keep those love handles at bay, so cut out processed carbs—you know, the delicious stuff like breads, bagels, and pasta—and watch your alcohol intake.

Get Your Zzzs
Studies show that getting a good night's sleep can work wonders on your waistline. Eight hours of uninterrupted shut-eye a night will give you results.

Killer Body Bootcamp: 6 Week Program

Anyone who works out has some sort of goal in mind; a reasoning for why they are there sweating.  They are either doing it for their health, to look good, to feel more energized or to socialize with friends.  Whatever your motive is, good for you!  You have made a decision that will benefit you in many ways but the hardest part is sticking with it.  Workouts can grow boring if you don't continually switch up your routine.  It is nice to have a library of exercises and circuits to pull from when you start to feel unexcited about going to the gym.  This has greatly helped me in structuring workouts.  Another element to planning/designing workouts that keeps it fresh include bootcamps & programs like P90X or Insanity.  These several week programs tend to help give you focus on specific areas and will show results within that time period; which are good motivators for people. 

I have designed a 6 week total body bootcamp that is sure to make you sweat, drop weight, sculpt and tighten.  In order to see good results you should do the workouts 3-4 times per week.  I would pair this 6 week training with clean eating as well.  Focus on cutting out things like pop, candy, baked goods, fast food and alcohol.  You will see even better results when you clean up your nutritional intake.  Also, give your maximum effort for each exercise and you will see the difference.  Don't just go through the motions to get it done with.  Really think about what you are doing.  Contract your muscles with precision and execute each movement knowing it will take you one step closer to your fitness goal (or just getting through the 6 weeks!).  Crank up the music, lace up your tennies and get going!
 
*I would love to hear from anyone who does this program.  Before & after pictures would be awesome.  Tips, hints and feedback are all welcomed!*

Here is my Killer Body Bootcamp: 6 week program!

peace & love
bj

WEEK 1

 WEEK 2

 WEEK 3

 WEEK 4

 WEEK 5

 WEEK 6

Gluten Free Rhubarb Squares Recipe

GLUTEN FREE RHUBARB SQUARES

Ingredients:

Crust
1 cup gluten free flour
1/3 cup powder sugar
1/3 cup softened butter

Filling
1 cup granulated sugar
1/4 cup gluten free flour
2 eggs (lightly beaten)
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
3 1/2 cups fresh or frozen finely chopped rhubarb

Directions

1. Combine crust ingredients (gluten free flour & powder sugar; cut in butter until mixture resembles coarse crumbs

2. Press into bottom of a greased 11x7x2 inch pan

3. Bake @ 350 F for 12 minutes

4. For filling: combine sugar, gluten free flour, eggs & vanilla extract in a medium bowl

5. Stir in finely chopped rhubarb; pour over warm crust

6. Bake @ 350 F for 35-40 minutes

7. Cool

8. ENJOY!

peace & love

bj



what you need to make gluten free rhubarb squares



cruz cutting in the butter for the crust



finely chopping up the rhubarb



crust baked and filling is ready to pour over

filling poured on top of warm crust



all done cooking gluten free rhubarb squares!