Child Birth : The Shit They Didn't Tell You

First off I would like to say that if you are a first time pregnant woman, proceed with caution.  Consider this your warning!  You will only have your curiosity to blame for reading this entire post and becoming mortified of what is inevitably laying ahead in your future. 

I want to talk about the shit nurses, doctors, friends, family & those "what to expect when expecting books" didn't tell you about having a baby.  They may have tried to tell you a tiny bit about it but they in no way gave you the God honest truth about child birth and what some women experience!  I would say most things I was told where sugar coated and grossly understated!

I absolutely cannot stand when someone talks about how wonderfully easy & beautiful their pregnancy and/or labor was.  I, by no means had a horrific pregnancy or child birth experience but I was definitely startled by a number of things and thought to myself, "Why the f*** didn't anyone tell me this shit was going to happen!".  Well guess what, you can thank me for telling you or at least trying to prepare you for something you may experience through pregnancy, child birth and afterwards.

1 | You will get stretch marks.  Unless you have insanely amazing genetics, you more than likely will get stretch marks on your boobies, ass, thighs & tummy.  It doesn't matter how much frickin' cocoa butter you rub on yourself, stretch marks will creep up on your body somewhere.  I totally thought I was in the clear and then in the last 3 weeks of my pregnancy, BOOM...stretch marks on boobs & ass.  Great news, I still have them!  For those of you who didn't get them, we are no longer friends.

2 | The first time you go tinkle after giving birth you will more than likely be completely shocked by the amount of blood in the toilet.  Seriously, it looks like you just died.  I thought I was going to need a blood transfusion when I took my first trip to the potty after giving birth to Cruz.  It seriously is not right to bleed that much and still be alive.  Just saying.  The greatest part of this is that you get to see and use the biggest pad ever known to man.  It is like wearing a diaper.  Your newborn and you get to begin your relationship in diapers together, how sweet!

3 |  Your greatest fear after giving birth will be coughing, sneezing, laughing or running.  Why you ask...because if you do any of those things too forcefully, you will pee your pants.  My bladder control sucks ass these days.  Having a baby sitting on top of your bladder for months on end can do a number on it.  I will admit to having gone for a run a couple months after having my little bundle of joy and having pee just run down my leg.  It was gross. 

4 | Your vagina will never be the same.  I'm not implying that you will have a big ole' floppy sloppy joe afterwards but it may not be the pre-delivery one you once had.  I had the wonderful experience of my son coming head first but with his hand on his head.  This obviously made crowning wider than it needed to be; thus, resulting in tearing the shit out of my labia minora.  They stitched it back together but it never healed right and I have what I like to call a mud flap.  Nice visual eh?  The hospital won't fix it because it is purely cosmetic.  Excuse me...cosmetic?  I don't consider it purely cosmetic when I sit down or cross my legs and pinch the shit out of it but hey they are doctors and must be right.  Eff that noise.

5 | Breastfeeding is not easy.  Some mothers and babies will naturally take to breastfeeding but it can be extremely difficult for others.  I was one of the difficult ones.  Cruz didn't take to it well and I got awfully frustrated.  I had it after both of my nipples completely scabbed over and I had chapped boobs.  The breast pump is one of the greatest inventions in my book.  Even with the 2 months of breastfeeding I did, my nipples are like rubber now.  You can flick those suckers and I can't feel a thing.  Bravo to those who hang in there.

6 | Having sex for the first time after you've given birth will probably terrify you even though it can be 6, 8 or more weeks after baby is born.  You will still have the birthing experience pretty fresh in your mind and all you can think about is if you get pregnant again you are gonna kill your husband.  Some women experience extreme pain and discomfort...you should probably seek medical advice in this case.  Either way...it is a bit scary.

7 | DO wear maternity clothes after you give birth.  I look back at some of the clothes I wore 2 weeks after having my son and I think, BIG mistake!  You will still have a jello tummy and be carrying pregnancy weight so it is best to wear your maternity clothes until you truly have dropped the extra pounds.

8 | Some ladies poop themselves during child birth.  I was stunned when I first heard of this but my doctor told me that the majority of women do have a BM during laboring.  BM is a kind way of saying shitting themselves.  WTF...really?!?!  I fortunatuely did NOT crap myself while pushing my son out and I seriously asked my sister like 5 mins. after I had him if I pooped and she smiled and said, no honey...you did not.  Score, 1 for Brittany.  Gross huh?

 9 | When your milk comes in, your boobs are going to get absolutely hard.  Not just a little hard but like rock solid.  It is also going to hurt like hell.  This will happen if you ever miss a feeding too so carry your pump with you everywhere.

10 | Since we are on the note of breasts...wear lactation pads while you sleep.  I cannot begin to tell you the number of shirts & bed sheets I ruined from my boobs leaking milk while I slept.  That shit stains and is hard to get out of fabric.  You should also wear them during the day, duh.

11 | Emotional rollercoaster & sleep deprivation.  Some woman go through post partum depression and this is a very serious condition.  If people around you think you are experiencing too many lows, you probably are and you should listen to them and get help.  Take advantage of the time you are in the hospital and sleep as much as you can.  The nurses are there to help you and you will be better off by letting them.  You've just pushed a frickin' baby out of your body & bled like a civil war solider for christ's sake so yeah, don't feel guilty about getting a little extra sleep!

I hope that you now understand when you ask me if and/or when I'm having my second child my answer is hells to the no.  I'd rather not voluntarily put myself through that shit again anytime soon.

peace

xoxo

bj