I should probably just start off by apologizing to my mother for the vulgarity or indecency I'm about to discuss. I know I didn't make her that proud from my last two posts about child birth and the language I used. She did indeed raise me better than to talk in such a manner but I found that writing in that style (satire inspired) helped portray my topic in the light that I wanted it and hopefully I didn't offend too many people in doing so. Honestly, I don't think many folks thought it to be too terrible considering that those two posts are the second & third most viewed/read posts I've written. It offered an entertaining and humorous approach to a topic that I do feel far too many people/WOMEN don't know the absolute truth about or haven't experienced it firsthand.
And now moving onto the heart of this topic...poop. Public pooping to be precise. I will admit that I get stage fright when it comes to going number two in public. There are different public venues that are better than others. For example: If I am at an amusement park, I will not have any issues with taking a deuce. Chances are I will never run into those people again and if they find what I just did in an already disgusting bathroom stall gross, then that is their problem. If you have to go, you have to go. What makes this situation totally acceptable for me is the fact that I do not personally know the numerous of other thrill seekers that are there. Plus, there are like 15 or more stalls that contribute to lots of continuous noise from flushing, people washing their hands & blow dryers that can cover up any accidentally squeakage that may happen while you are exporting some fudge to Mexico.
Taking deuces gets to be problematic when I'm in a public setting such as the workplace. I have to see those people face to face 5 days a week and the last thing I want is to encounter a weird and awkward situation because I just destroyed a toilet and either A.) someone is in the bathroom and hears/smells it or B.) all the stalls fill up and the next person in line has to go to the stall you just occupied. Despite what some men might think, I do NOT crap rainbows, butterflies & sunshine; although, that would be pretty frickin' awesome. I have found a couple of ways to avoid these encounters from happening. Let me share.
1 | Time it just right. I have gotten to the point where I have been able to get my digestive system on a schedule and can hold her in till I get home from work. This works out most days but if I've consumed food such as tacos the night before, I'm screwed. I also get myself into a predicament if I work late. By the time I pull in my driveway, I am bolting through the house door with my pants unbuttoned and screaming, "Oh please dear God just 10 more feet!" This has never ended badly for me yet but I can see the day that I am going to have to either do a load of laundry or throw away some clothes. Either way...not good.
2 | Play the waiting game. I know you have all experienced a time that you go in, sit down and realize someone else in there too and you just sit in silence and wait. You are hoping the other person will leave. Doesn't it seem like the other person has the same exact idea as you?!?! There you are, just sitting with your pants down and dueling it out with another person who has to poop too but is also embarrassed about having someone else hear them doing it. Do you fire away or call it a draw? Most times I call it even and get the hell outta there before that person dashes too and we run into each other.
3 | Drive by / scope it out. If I know that I absolutely cannot hold it, I will do a drive by to scope out the bathroom. We have lights that are on timers so I know that if the entryway is dark, I got a green light to launch a shuttle into the white hole. If the light it on, I will proceed to go in, sit down and look under the stalls for feet. If there are feet...no dice; I'm gone. If there are no feet visible, Houston we are ready for launch!
While I am on the topic of poop I might as well address another area of concern. Am I the only person that knows of unspoken common courteously rules that apply to public pooing? Seriously folks. If you have done something that requires a second flush, DO IT! I do not want to head to the bathroom and walk in to see that you left brown swirl marks all over...gross. Also, if there is an air freshener available, USE IT! It doesn't completely take away the stank but it at least tames it down a smidge.
Hopefully I haven't completed grossed anyone out but we all have to deal with it day in and day out. Why not find a bit of humor in it?
Well, that about wraps it up for me tonight.
xo
bj
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