I had a really bad experience about 6 years ago when I had to go in for my annual pap smear & breast exam. I was fairly new to town and didn't have a regular gynecologist so I took the first appointment that I could get. Let me share with you what transpired during that visit and how my one mistake of not requesting a female gyno comes back to haunt me.
I get there, strip down, put on the tissue paper thin gown and hover my butt ever so slightly above the cold hard vinyl exam table for fear of shooting through the roof from the freezing cold surface. I slowly sink my weight towards it when, KNOCK, KNOCK...in comes the doc and with the position of the table to the door, I'm fairly certain he got a full moon since I didn't have enough time to arrange my gown and cover my rear. Awesome, I have successfully tallied up one embarrassment for myself and my exam hasn't even started. I try to move past the moment quickly and act like it didn't happen. He takes his regular checks on my heart, lungs, throat, ears & eyes. He asks me the standard set of questions in a very monotone voice. I think to myself, "Isn't this guy a pleasure to converse with!" After he completes those, I know the drill.
Onto the exam table I go. Time to saddle up and get those feet in the stirrups. I scoot my butt down to the edge. Apparently I didn't scoot down far enough because the doc tells me to come down some more, so I do. I still didn't satisfy him because he says to come down even further. At this point I'm thinking, "If I scoot any further, I'm going to be sitting on your face dude! I barely have a 1/2" of my ass on the table!" So now that I am at the point that he needs me to be at, we get to the weird shit. He does some poking and prodding all over the place that tenses me up and has me hoping he is quick about his work. I am so totally wrong in thinking this male doctor will get the exam done within a couple of minutes! I felt like the amount of time he was "checking" stuff out was far more than adequate! Perhaps, I should have posted a sign down there that said NO loitering?!?! In the long amount of time he was down there, he made small talk and asked me about track. Um, excuse me? I feel zero need to chitchat with you while your face is 2 inches from my vagina! I don't need you to make me feel like we are old friends that are sitting around talking over a cup of coffee. Take the swabs you need to send to the labs and send me on my merry way!
Here is another weird, uncomfortable and icky (yes, I used the word icky!) part. This doc has a GIGANTIC mustache! Seriously, Mario & Luigi would have been jealous of this guys' massive stache! Now, I don't have anything against a man having a mustache but when that mustache swipes the inside of my thigh while he is performing a pap smear, then I have a problem with it. I also didn't appreciate that when he was making small talk with me, I could feel his hot breathe hitting my skin. Gross, yuck, icky and everything above. That was so unpleasant.
The breast exam part goes pretty fast for me since all he has to do are a couple of circle around my small, flat boobies. No lumps, perfect! Although, his down fall there was looking me directly in the eyes and talking. Just do your doctor thing and don't talk to me please.
Now that I've shared a couple of not-so-fun events from one gyno visit, I got to thinking about some scenarios that could happen that are embarrassing for you and the doctor too! Here we go:
1| Have you ever had to or wanted to fart while they are down there? OMG! I would die but I think it would be the most hilarious thing, ever!
2| Have you gone into the same doctor and had them not remember you until they are looking at your downstairs and all of the sudden they say, "Ah, now I remember you!" Say what!?!? Is there something down there that triggered your memory? I feel weird now.
3| Have you run into your gyno at the grocery store and have that weird & awkward moment that you don't know what to say to them or talk about?
4| Have you ever had them try to use a certain size speculum and have to get a bigger one? Like the big bertha model? This hasn't happened to me but if it ever did, I would not feel very good about it.
Although getting a pap smear & breast exam can be uncomfortable, embarrassing and downright unpleasant; I have to stress the importance of getting them done annually. I would much rather experience the things I discussed in this post than deal with the consequences of finding out something is wrong. It is worth it to me to be happy and healthy over scared and embarrssed. Ladies, I encourage you all to perform self breast checks and keep your pap smears updated. You never know when one might save your life.
peace & love
bj
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